so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
