You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
