you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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