I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I will be naked everywhere
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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