I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Welp...herpes.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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