i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
