is your mom at the bar?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
