Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
