I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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