If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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