Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
