Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
