Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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