she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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