I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Randomize
