I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
