I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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