we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
