hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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