Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
