Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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