I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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