So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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