i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
