i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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