When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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