We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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