conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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