if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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