True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
