we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
