He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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