I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
