if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
