Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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