My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
