the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
