We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
