as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
