U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
