I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
