Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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