I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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