I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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