i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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