I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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