I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
