then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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