somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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