Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
