looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
